The true-ish meaning of Christmas

Christmastime isn’t only the time of year where things become magical, but also a period of the year where people can completely lose perspective. I admit, I’ve been there. That’s when I stumbled upon a drunken homeless man who provided me with perspective as to what the true meaning of Christmas is. Also, meth. What follows is the true meaning of Christmas as revealed to me by that drunk, toothless stranger.

A long time ago, evil Sinterklaas ruled the world with an iron fist. He possessed frightening magical powers that he used to ascend to power, and he was well-known for being a malevolent leader with frightening ambition and no morality to speak of. All people knew to fear him, and with good reason, as he had destroyed entire civilizations with his bare hands. Such was his power.

Then Jesus was born. Using his dark magic, Sinterklaas sensed Jesus’s power which was equal and opposite to his own, and, recognizing him to be “the one” who would deliver mankind from his tyranny, resolved to murder Jesus while he was still a child. Since Jesus had “good” powers and Sinterklaas had “bad” powers, their powers canceled out when they were near one another, meaning Sinterklaas couldn’t teleport right to Jesus. As such, he rigged a sleigh, complete with bells of terror, and reanimated the corpses of nine reindeer to pull him toward his target.

Sinterklaas traveled in this way until the reindeer dropped dead (again). This meant that his powers had been neutralized, signifying that Jesus was near. He hopped out of his terror sleigh, reached into a bright red bag he had brought with him, and pulled out a chainsaw. Upon hearing the sound of the chainsaw, Jesus’s parents Joseph and Mary freaked out (as most people do when they hear nearby chainsaws). Their frantic prayers for salvation were answered when a nearby pack of ninjas heard their cries, coming to their aid and using a smoke bomb to help all three escape.

The ninja leader’s name was Bill, and he took in Jesus, Joseph, and Mary at his secret ninja academy under the condition that they were never allowed to leave. They all lived happy, simple lives, and this went on for twenty or so years. One night, however, Bill had a dream where an angel (in ninja robes, because ninjas dream of other ninjas almost exclusively) revealed to him that Jesus was the one who would deliver the world from Sinterklaas. Bill decided that it was time to teach his ninja ways to Jesus. What followed was an intense training period that went on for ten years; every day from dusk to dawn was filled with training, and Jesus learned to fight with ninja stars, swords, and his bare hands.

Above: Jesus in one of his many ninja stances

Having gained unbelievable skill and washboard abs, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey in order to mock Sinterklaas’s reanimated reindeer and provoke a reaction. This had the desired effect, as Sinterklaas was incensed, flying into a wild rage and coming at Jesus with katanas in each hand. Using his bare-handed skills, Jesus quickly wrestled away one of the katanas and the two fought on equal footing. The fight lasted for hours, then days, then weeks. The two fought on with incredible skill, but they were simply too equally matched. Seeing that the fight would never end without taking drastic measures, Jesus dropped his katana after taking an especially brutal blow and turned his cheek to invite another, in the process allowing Sinterklaas to grab him from behind and pin his sword arm behind his back. Sinterklaas rejoiced at the fact that he had finally bested his opponent, but before he could deliver the final blow, Jesus kicked up his katana from the ground, grabbed it with his free hand, and drove it through his body, striking Sinterklaas.

Jesus died from taking the brunt of the blow, but Sinterklaas clung to life, going into a deep coma. Three days after the fight, Jesus resurrected (it’s kind of his thing, after all) and went to visit Sinterklaas to finish him off. However, being the moral juggernaut that he is, he was unable to bring himself to finish off a defenseless opponent, so he patiently waited for Sinterklaas to come out of his coma. Several years later, Sinterklaas finally awoke, but he had severe brain damage, believing his name to be “Santa Claus” and having lost all of his memories. Even stranger, his personality had completely changed; he would often make gifts for the children in the hospital as though in penance for something he couldn’t remember, and he had a strange fascination with little people. Jesus took pity on Sinterklaas, and bought him some milk and cookies from the hospital cafeteria.

Then something magical happened. Having become a good figure, Santa was suddenly able to use his powers in Jesus’s presence (and vice-versa), proving that he really was reformed. As such, Jesus set him up with a workshop in an isolated part of the world and provided him with a workforce of tiny helpers (as per Santa’s request) who would make gifts for all the children of the world. However, since Jesus couldn’t watch Santa constantly to make sure that he didn’t slip back into evil Sinterklaas, he only allowed all of this on the condition that Santa was only allowed to visit civilization once per year, and even then only to give presents to good children (since bad children could potentially reawaken his inner evil). The two agreed on these terms, and Christmas has been all about presents, sacrifice, and epic katana battles ever since.

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