Tales of Spam: Part 4

Okay, so it’s safe to say after posting four straight “secret ways to sleep with women” emails that they’re my personal favorites. I’ll try to find some more varied spam after this, though. If you come across any interesting spam that you feel is especially amusing, feel free to copy the text and email it to me at the email address listed here.

This video gives you the keys to the 'desire center' of any woman's mind

Chainsaws also help you get to various centers of the mind, I’ve found.

When you watch the shocking free video you will discover

A super soaker, right? Man, I used to love super soakers. Isn’t it weird how when you grow up, suddenly you’re not “allowed” to shoot people with compressed bursts of water? It’s apparently against social mores or something, though I have a personal theory that people over 30 are gremlins and that’s why it’s disallowed.

3 magic words that make women

Ten bucks says the words are “I’m a doctor.”

How to use innocent questions to make her fall in love with you

Innocent questions? Like, “Is Santa real?” Call me crazy, but communicating that kind of youthful naivete might end up sending the wrong message.

Either that, or lead to some weird Christmas-themed kink. You’ll never look at candy canes the same way ever again.

After you watch the video you will never get rejected again

And more? You’ve already listed turning her on and making her fall in love with you. What’s realistically beyond that, though? Superlove? Hypermegalove? Making her so crazy about you that she spontaneously combusts?

Besides, what if I like spending my nights alone? I haven’t even watched the video and I’m already feeling incredibly suffocated by these women I haven’t seduced yet. Maybe going through with this isn’t such a good idea.

Because you'll know exactly how to get

I’ve always known how to get women undressed and into my bed:

“The floor and our clothes are lava! Quick, the bed is the only safe place!”

That’s the easy part, though; convincing her that lava can be sex’ed away is far more difficult and complex a process. You ultimately have to get into such an in-depth discussion about the merits of nude lava fighting that you end up completely ruining the mood. It’s a serious problem.

But the video is being taken down tonight at midnight

That’s totally Cinderella. Let me guess—the technique you’re willing to share involves wearing glass sneakers? I have to seriously question the sanity of anyone willing to wear shoes made out a material that can shatter and instantly become hundreds of dagger-like shards. In fact, that’s a problem I’ve had with Cinderella for years. What happens if the prince steps on her feet while dancing? The glass breaks and is subsequently driven through her foot, obviously. It sounds incredibly dangerous to risk something like that, especially when you know in advance that there’s going to be dancing.

Seriously, think about it: doesn’t it seem a bit risky to bet your toes on the dance skills of some inbred prince who you don’t know? Cinderella is a crazy person.

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