Tales of Spam: Part 3

I greatly enjoy spam emails that try to convince you that they’re going to share some kind of secret trick for getting into the pants of random women, because the whole thing is basically someone telling you that they have a cheat code for life. Trust me, it doesn’t exist. I’ve entered the Konami code on a pair of breasts before, and all I got was slapped. Still, the emails are wonderful.

You know what? Words hurt. So much!

Liar. If that were true, Quasimodo and Esmeralda would have ended up together in Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. What, they can shoehorn a love story into The Lion King, but they can’t change a few things from the original story to give Quasi a happier ending? What a crock, man. That movie pisses me off.

FCK? I’m unfamiliar with that acronym, which makes me wary of this whole thing. Understandably so—that could stand for “fanatically crotch-kick,” after all, and something like that really doesn’t sound appealing or desirable at all.

Oh. You mean… right. The other thing. No matter what I look like? That really seems like a potentially bad deal for the women involved. I mean, it’s like a blind date, only with so much more promised than just awkwardness. Weird trick or not, they’d presumably be conscious (otherwise this would be less a weird trick and more a well-known felony), so if I were some kind of hideously deformed monstrosity, that’s really something they’d have to endure.

That is, of course, unless you discovered something that shuts down all logic and reason in women. Catnip for women, perhaps? Oh oh oh, and then we can play with a laser pointer!

That’s a weirdly convenient number. What happens if I try to sleep with 7 women in 6 weeks, anyway?

It doesn’t fall off, does it? That would be difficult to explain. “Oh, my man pieces? Yeah, I slept with more women than recommended by the email I received, and they ended up just popping off one day in the middle of a Taco Bell. You really need to pay attention to the numbers in those things!”

I don’t think her husband would approve. You wouldn’t happen to have a weird trick that allows people to dodge bullets, would you? Otherwise I can see myself becoming super dead in this scenario.

Did you plan to take the video down? Why would you even do that? In fact, I’m very confused by your motivations. Why exactly do you want me to be able to sleep with lots of women? I mean, what’s in it for you?

I bet you’re planning on following me around with a camera. That’s it, isn’t it? You’re some kind of sick voyeur freak who gets off on watching other people. That’s messed up, man.

“That controls women and makes them”… do what? The email suddenly ends there, and I must know what it makes them do. I mean, that could say anything: “And makes them explode after two weeks!” “And makes them steal all your money!” “And makes them rob banks at your behest!”

On the flip side, it could say that it makes them fanatically kick you in the crotch, which again, and I want to emphasize this, isn’t a desirable outcome.

I’m going to have to pass. You almost had me, spam email, but you ultimately failed to include enough details to allow me to make an informed decision. A bit of a dealbreaker, honestly. Best of luck to you in the future, though.

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