Tales of Spam: Part 2

Have you ever gotten a spam email that claimed to be from some sexy young 20-something who desperately wants you to look at her naked pictures? I wonder if the spammers realize that this is the internet and something like that is just a quick Google search away. Anyway, it’s easy to filter a lot of hilarious spam-related weirdness out when you’re going through your actual email, so I decided to post some of the stranger stuff to bring attention to just how absurd spam tends to be (with the links edited out, obviously).

Hi, Stephanie. I’m Brad Rockpenis, and I believe that honesty is important when dealing with women. That’s why I’m going to be totally straightforward with you right now—between the lack of comma after the “hi” and the space you put before the comma you did use, you’re not striking me as the sharpest crayon in the box.

Oh, you’re looking for the other Brad. I’m the one who kills people and wears their skin. I hope this doesn’t get in the way of our burgeoning friendship, though, because I’ve always… been a fan… of beautiful blonde… human hair…

Hot slash funny? Is that supposed to mean hot and funny? Like… in the same picture? How do you even accomplish that? Sexy lingerie and a gorilla mask? Topless with jokes written on your breasts in permanent marker?

I’m very confused about what you’re going for, here. Are you trying to turn me on, or are you trying to make me laugh? In my experience, hysterical laughter at the sight of someone’s naked body tends to be a blow to their self-confidence, so I would recommend steering away from the whole “sexy comedian” angle.

Are you kidding? I’m having a threesome right now. At. This. Very. Moment. Sure, it’s technically with sheep, but a threesome’s a threesome. Am I right? High-five, Stephanie! Now, about your friends… I think they sound awesome. I’d love to meet them in a dark, secluded place. All of them.

Like now. Call them right now, Stephanie. I’m not asking.

Where the hell do you get off telling me what I have to do? Look, I also feel that we’ve grown close over the course of this email, but you seriously have to give me some sp-

Wait—your pics and friends come and talk? Meaning your pictures talk to you? Steph, are you okay? Have you been hearing voices? I’m seriously worried about you right now. Maybe being your friend isn’t the best thing for me right now.

You spend most of your time just sitting around online in lingerie and a gorilla mask, listening to people’s pictures speak to you? Seriously, Steph. Go outside. You not only sound crazy right now, but also really boring.

Now I’m confused again. Let’s make friends? Like… independently of each other? Do you want to be friends or not, Stephanie? Quit playing games with my heart! Are you in this crazy thing with me, or are you just using me as some kind of tool to meet other people?

No. I’m sorry, Steph, but I can’t do this. What we had was short—and even beautiful at times—but I have too much self-respect to let you use me. Therefore, I’m not going to accept your friend request, or even visit your links. I hope you understand that this is a “me” thing and not a “you” thing. I mean, of all the potentially-fictitious hot blondes I’ve ever met, you’re definitely somewhere near the top ten. Don’t worry, Steph, because there’s someone out there for everyone. Even a gorilla mask-wearing seductress who hears voices.


Brad Rockpenis

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