Have you ever found your mind wandering into a minefield of strange thoughts while you’re sitting around bored? That’s pretty much my default state, and the following are real thoughts that have crossed my mind. Pinky promise.
“They call me Candy, sugar”
What’s with all the doctor/nurse drama shows? There are a million OMG SEXY DRAMA DOCTOR shows out there, and this makes absolutely no sense because no one likes doctors or hospitals. You know what I want to see? Sexy candy store employees. Everyone loves candy. Forget solving health issues while dealing with human drama—I want to see a bunch of sexy candy sellers giving people diabetes. Mmm, the dialogue would be delicious.
“You want me to drink a glow stick?”
There seems to be a correlation between the prevalent anthropomorphism in cartoons in the 90s and the sudden appearance of furries, to the point where I think that people’s fetishes are based on things from when they were growing up. If that’s the case, future generations are going to be seriously messed up. Not only for the pony thing that has inexplicably gained traction in our culture, but also for the weird things companies make for kids these days. There are night lights where the stomach glows, dolls with realistic body functions, and everything in between. Future fetishes are going to be seriously dark.
One of the most annoying things on the planet is seeing an acronym you don’t recognize. Fumbling around with possible meanings is just frustrating. I mean, how am I supposed to know that BOAT means “best of all time”? Sometimes it makes me so mad that I want to create new acronyms just to piss other people off, like MARINA, or “major awesomeness reflecting numerical accuracy.” Suck on that, acronym know-it-alls; your shorthand sayings have made me spiteful, or to put that in terms you’ll understand, “YSSHMMS, jerks.”
Eins! Zwei! Drei!
I dislike those who go “woo!” during concerts. What is that all about, anyway? Narcissism? Whatever it is, it’s annoying. Also, bloodcurdling screams. You’re at a concert surrounded by other people, so show some courtesy; it’s not like the people around you paid to have you scream in their ear. Besides, no one in the history of time has ever enjoyed a concert so much that they had to scream. Never. I can think of only one instance where it’d be acceptable to let loose a bloodcurdling scream out of happiness: a reanimated Hitler, having started a glam-rock band, gets blown to smithereens by his pyrotechnics before he finishes a single song. I’d woo for nothing short of that.
Someone had to have lost money on this
There are many obvious reasons for hating pedophiles, but there are also a few lesser-known reasons why they should be shunned, reviled, and otherwise hated. For example, pedophiles have effectively killed the “candy delivery van” business model before it even started. That’s an entire future industry that vanished in the blink of an eye because of the perversions of a few. How great would it have been to have candy delivered right to you? We’ll never know.