The following pages from my mind’s playbook are pure, unadulterated me. Consult a doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours after reading.
Not that I’m bitter or anything, but…
After watching some friends get married, I’ve come to a conclusion: Marriage is a lot like Scientology. It costs a ton to get into, carries the promise of a better tomorrow at first, follows that up by making you a miserable, shambling corpse of the person you used to be, and getting out of it means making a ton of dangerous enemies for life. Oh yeah, and getting involved in either with Tom Cruise is a first-class ticket to crazytown and should probably be avoided at all cost.
Actors should be able to act
How does Mark Wahlberg keep getting work? Has no one in the entire entertainment industry ever seen The Happening? That was a horror movie that caused the theater I was in to erupt in laughter more frequently than any Adam Sandler movie ever made, a brilliant unintentional comedy predicated on Mark Wahlberg’s inability to show any emotion and character beyond “slightly guarded tough guy.” He plays this role in every movie he’s ever done, from Shooter to Contraband to Max Payne (he should have gotten the death penalty for this particular abomination). I swear, if the bar is this low then I’m going to get into acting, because it’s the same thing with Charlie Sheen. If you see a movie/show/anything with Charlie Sheen, you know exactly what you’re getting into. You don’t go in expecting brilliant acting—you know that you’re going to be getting a movie or show about a womanizing, ne’er-do-well rascal getting into trouble. I’d love to have a “personality” that I could copy/paste for every movie and television show ever. Maybe I could make one that kills bad actors with an ice pick, and then this whole thing would resolve itself.
Truth in proverbs
One of my least-favorite phrases is, “When God closes a door, he opens a window.” Not because it’s not true, but because no one ever wants to go through the window. Sometimes that door closes and there’s no way you’re getting anywhere near where that door led without doing something stupid and dangeous, the likes of which could potentially earn you a Darwin award. Of course, people hate the idea of not being able to go through that door, so they inevitably do whatever stupid and dangeorus thing is required. That’s why I think that the saying should be, “When God closes a door, you open a sixth-story window, accidentally set your apartment on fire while cooking macaroni, and then leap to your death to escape the flames.”
It’s like a safari, only sadder
The news confuses me nowadays. It’s like clearly-partisan news channels think that throwing a crazy liberal and a crazy conservative together in a single shot to yell at one another somehow balances out the rest of the channel’s pandering to whichever political party they’re owned by. The whole thing is like putting giraffes on opposite ends of a see-saw—there comes a point where you completely miss balance and instead end up with a broken see-saw and two very sad giraffes.