Random thoughts: Part 2

The following bits of writing are random notes that I took late at night, edited only for spelling and grammar because i haz no grammer or speeling whn its latte.

Head-bobbing for apples

I’m going to dress up as a pedophile for Halloween and make inappropriate comments to kids’ parents about giving their kids “a lil’ sugar.” It’s probably a bad idea from a staying-out-of-prison perspective, but at least next year no one will show up at my door, meaning more candy for me.

“Why is Barbie making an O with her mouth?”

Why does Barbie always have to have positive professions? She’s a doctor, a race car driver, and a million other “good” things. Where are the “life failure” Barbie dolls? Where’s porn star Barbie? I know, I know—that could get confusing. “Hey, I’m looking for a porn star named Barbie. Really? Half of them? Huh. Well the one I’m looking for is plastic. Really? All of them?” Anyway, I can totally understand the negative moral impact this could have on our kids. On the other hand, using Barbie to set an unrealistic body shape standard and unrealistic life goals probably isn’t having a great impact, either. I mean, I can’t recall the last time I saw a race car driver or doctor who looks like a stripper. Fun fact: Everyone who just thought “Danica!” has both horrible taste in women and bad eyesight. True story.

If Barbie wanted to be a team player, she’d wrap her car around a pole at 90 MPH to teach kids that people with pink cars are douchebags.

I don’t think this quote will catch on

“Love is like the end of Die Hard 2—even when you think you’ve gotten away, Bruce Willis sets fire to your fuel and you end up exploding with a bunch of dudes.”

A ninja Kickstarter to your face

Since so many projects will allegedly only see the light of day with the aid of kickstarter, the whole thing has left me ambivalent toward the idea of crowdfunding. This has gotten to the point where every time someone links to a kickstarter, I want to stab them in the eye with a tube of lemon-flavored chapstick. Does the lemon flavoring hurt like real lemons would? Who knows. The important thing is that they suffer. This is why I’m starting a kickstarter campaign to help me care about kickstarter campaigns; it’s only by abusing everyone’s generosity that I can finally achieve this thing that was entirely within reach before kickstarter existed but suddenly stopped being possible when it came about. You may wonder why that is. Hush, now—I’m an expert, so you can rest assured that it’s the truth and not at all an exaggeration to motivate you to donate. I mean, would people stretch the truth for the sake of money? Golly gee, I can’t imagine living in such a cynical world. It’s certainly a good thing that we live in a world of peace and harmony, free from money-grubbing and half-truths, a place where butterflies flitter around carelessly and politicians totally don’t get involved in freaky, career-destroying sex. Anyway, please donate blindly and without regard to common sense to help me gain back my ability to care about these projects as more than shameless begging for money that mobilizes otherwise fine people and transforms them into sleazy car salesmen. Thank you.

Empathy is hard

Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes doesn’t make you empathetic. More often than not, it makes you a mugger. It’s sort of like how truly seeing things from another person’s perspective requires cutting out their eyes.

Now that I’ve stolen your Air Jordans, I totally understand where you’re coming from, man. Sorry about stabbing you in that alley.

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