Politicians are either the dumbest or smartest people on the planet

Once upon a time, there was a hungry wolf. That wolf saw a little girl frolicking through the woods and thought to himself, “Man, I could totally eat that in a purely non-sexual sense since I’m pretty sure she’s underage.” Wolves are politically correct like that, by the way. If you didn’t know that, then it’s probably because you don’t talk to many wolves. Anyway, the wolf ends up dressing like the girl’s grandmother in order to get close and eat her. Ignore the fact that this wolf was apparently enough of a stalker to know what the grandmother wears, because that’s ultimately irrelevant to the story. The point of all of this is that making yourself look like an non-threat is the best thing you can do when you’re in a position to actually be a significant threat, and this is something that I think a lot of politicians have taken to heart. The whole thing boils down to this: Politicians are either deliberately engaging in hilariously stupid behavior to appear less like corrupt, self-interested leaders, or they’re literally the dumbest people on the planet.

Let’s start with Anthony Weiner. He was a politician who basically had everything, and then he made himself look like a complete idiot to the entire world by “sexting” pictures of himself to women on the internet. The inherent stupidity and short-sightedness of sexting aside, this was while he was a prominent politician. Taking pictures of your junk and sending them to strangers is an incredibly stupid thing to do. Doing so when you’re in a career where everyone’s eyes are constantly on you is downright mentally handicapped, on par with pulling it out and waving it around at a press conference. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if he’s dreamt about doing that before.

Next, we have Paul Ryan in a soup kitchen. The number of things wrong with this to begin with is already a bad start: This is an individual who believes in pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and refusing to provide help in order to incentivize people, so the idea of him volunteering is basically at odds with his entire ideology. Even if he makes exceptions for random acts of kindness, he wasn’t actually volunteering. The whole thing was just a glorified photo shoot, the homeless equivalent of the baby-kiss. The whole thing is about looking good, not doing good, and he got caught in it. How he or those around him thought that everyone would just let it slide without pointing out that he wasn’t actually helping is beyond me.

Third, Clinton. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. I don’t know which part is the least explainable: Thinking you can get away with oral sex with someone other than your wife when you’re the friggin’ president, choosing to cross someone like Hillary who seems like she can shoot daggers out of her eyes and conjure ancient spirits of torments long past, or voluntarily getting blown by Monica Lewinsky in the first place. None of it makes any sense.

Newt Gingrich just got an erection. You know how I know that? Because this man was clearly a prostitute in a former life (and likely a serial killer before that), and seems absolutely incapable of human emotions beyond whatever emotion “I’d hit that” technically falls under. His first wife got cancer. What did he do? He left her, obviously. Those pesky cancer-havers can be such a drag, man. Six months after the divorce, he got married again. Now, I’m not an expert on math, but this dude is either a serious smooth-talker, or was getting some on the side. The latter seems most probable, because wife number two? He totally cheated on her, then married the person he cheated on her with once wife number two was out of the picture. If you were to take a person, strip them of all morality and sympathy, and surgically implant the mind of a sex-crazed toddler, you would end up with eternal man-child Newt Gingrich. Oh yeah, there’s tons of hypocrisy, too, because he’s all about the sanctity of marriage and all of that. The world would be a better place if he were struck by lightning.

Politicians often come across as stupid people, but every so often you get one with such personal dedication to general ignorance that the rest of them seem a little smarter by way of comparison. That’s the case with Todd Akin, who, when asked about rape, provided this wonderful little nugget of unadulterated stupidity: “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” How such a person avoids winning a Darwin award at some point between birth and that quote is mind-boggling. How such a person gets voted into office is beyond comprehension.

Is it truly so easy to get into politics? It’s often surprising the kind of cold attitude politicians take toward issues, many times to the point where their opinions seem to reflect sheer, calculated malice. This is something you rarely see except rarely in a leaked tape that wasn’t meant to be, or an audio recording where a microphone was accidentally turned on without a politician’s awareness. For politicians, the ends always seem to justify the means, regardless of how horrible those means are. The cruel, unrelenting side of politics gets buried, however, under a deluge of stories of some idiot sexting or trying to debunk pregnancy through rape, so the public opinion of politicians has shifted to the point where they’re viewed more as necessary clowns. Elections become battles of the less bad and more bad, and our perceptions of candidates are colored by the stupid things that they do until we forget entirely that Obama pads the number of innocent deaths caused by drone strikes by counting all military-age males as “enemy combatants” (and not innocents, which they very well might be), or that Mitt Romney has made an obscene amount of money shipping jobs overseas. I don’t know if politicians are dressed up like grandma on purpose or if this is simply a bit of serendipity that they decided to run with, but it’s such an ugly situation that not even Newt would hit that.

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