A Solution To Gun Violence

Gun violence is one of those American ills that everyone is aware of, but that no one has any idea how to fix. Maybe we’re just too stupid to solve the problem, but a large part of the issue has to do with our right to bear arms and the fact that we’d more or less be acting against it by banning guns. Meanwhile, the whole issue has become so partisan that neither side of the argument makes any sense anymore. Really, it’s simpler than most would let on—the whole crazy thing comes down to whether guns kill people or people kill people. The answer? Neither guns nor people kill people. Fingers kill people. It’s this line of thinking that has allowed me to come up with a radical solution to this all-too-prevalent problem. Read more →

Politicians are either the dumbest or smartest people on the planet

Once upon a time, there was a hungry wolf. That wolf saw a little girl frolicking through the woods and thought to himself, “Man, I could totally eat that in a purely non-sexual sense since I’m pretty sure she’s underage.” Wolves are politically correct like that, by the way. If you didn’t know that, then it’s probably because you don’t talk to many wolves. Anyway, the wolf ends up dressing like the girl’s grandmother in order to get close and eat her. Ignore the fact that this wolf was apparently enough of a stalker to know what the grandmother wears, because that’s ultimately irrelevant to the story. The point of all of this is that making yourself look like an non-threat is the best thing you can do when you’re in a position to actually be a significant threat, and this is something that I think a lot of politicians have taken to heart. The whole thing boils down to this: Politicians are either deliberately engaging in hilariously stupid behavior to appear less like corrupt, self-interested leaders, or they’re literally the dumbest people on the planet. Read more →

Why I won’t vote

I refuse to vote, and there are a lot of different reasons behind that decision. What follows is a list of my reasons, though it’s likely that I forgot to include some. Sue me; it’s a lot to remember. Read more →

Paul Ryan is going to strand us on a mountain

Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney’s vice presidential pick, is a lot like a york peppermint patty; you look into his cool blue eyes and go, “Wow, this is refreshing,” then realize that you’ve been teleported to the top of the Himalayas in a t-shirt. Refreshment suddenly turns to terror as you realize that you’ve no experience with mountains, and the voice of reason begins shouting, “You idiot, you’re about to die because of a peppermint patty.” The voice becomes louder and louder as you slowly begin to succumb to the frosty clutches of the mountain, finally reaching a point where you’ve no choice but to give in entirely and embrace the oblivion that the delicious chocolate treat has condemned you to. Read more →

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