The true-ish meaning of Christmas

Christmastime isn’t only the time of year where things become magical, but also a period of the year where people can completely lose perspective. I admit, I’ve been there. That’s when I stumbled upon a drunken homeless man who provided me with perspective as to what the true meaning of Christmas is. Also, meth. What follows is the true meaning of Christmas as revealed to me by that drunk, toothless stranger. Read more →

Random thoughts: Part 1

The following are random things that I ended up thinking of and writing down, mostly late at night when I was only half-conscious. They’re not made up, but actual trains of thought on which I was a passenger. Toot toot. Read more →

Politicians are either the dumbest or smartest people on the planet

Once upon a time, there was a hungry wolf. That wolf saw a little girl frolicking through the woods and thought to himself, “Man, I could totally eat that in a purely non-sexual sense since I’m pretty sure she’s underage.” Wolves are politically correct like that, by the way. If you didn’t know that, then it’s probably because you don’t talk to many wolves. Anyway, the wolf ends up dressing like the girl’s grandmother in order to get close and eat her. Ignore the fact that this wolf was apparently enough of a stalker to know what the grandmother wears, because that’s ultimately irrelevant to the story. The point of all of this is that making yourself look like an non-threat is the best thing you can do when you’re in a position to actually be a significant threat, and this is something that I think a lot of politicians have taken to heart. The whole thing boils down to this: Politicians are either deliberately engaging in hilariously stupid behavior to appear less like corrupt, self-interested leaders, or they’re literally the dumbest people on the planet. Read more →

Jay Cutler, the evil king of Chicago

This is the somewhat-fictionalized story of Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, a man I’ve never met, but hate with every fiber of my being. Read more →

No one has any idea what they’re doing in life

There’s this game I like to play where I answer every question with, “But why?” It’s juvenile in the purest sense of the word, mostly because children are totally inquisitive like that (and I’m like that because I never grew up–only bitter), but it also forces people to examine their deepest motivations and, by extension, basically everything they’ve worked their entire lives to build. 99.9% of the time, the game ends with a long period of awkward silence finally culminating in a breathy “I don’t know.” It’s hard to explain the facial expression that accompanies this, but you can get something close to it if you make a frowny face and then add in a little smirk of creeping denial. Read more →

Why I won’t vote

I refuse to vote, and there are a lot of different reasons behind that decision. What follows is a list of my reasons, though it’s likely that I forgot to include some. Sue me; it’s a lot to remember. Read more →

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