Infomercials are the greatest invention in mankind’s history

You have a small penis. I know this because an infomercial told me. Whether it’s two inches long or hangs down low and wobbles to and fro to the point where tape is necessary to keep it from impeding your movement is irrelevant—you have a small penis and need a pill/pump/complex system of pullies and levers to fix this problem, or else everyone will laugh at you behind your back. Don’t worry, female readers, because there’s a barrage of hour-long infomercials brutally exploiting your every insecurity, as well. Have a skinny butt? Psh, everyone knows that guys like Brazilian butts, so you’d better start getting some meat on that. Have a Brazilian butt already? Girl, you need to tone that down or else you’ll be alone forever and wind up drowning in a river of your own tears. Read more →

Gay people are way nicer than homophobic straight people

Seriously. I don’t really know why this is, either. Maybe the long-lived stigma surrounding being gay has created a culture of understanding and tolerance around it? On the other hand, maybe they just have a super awesome secret society and kindness is how they differentiate themselves from others, like a fraternity with less hazing and a more scandalous “secret handshake.” Read more →

Paul Ryan is going to strand us on a mountain

Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney’s vice presidential pick, is a lot like a york peppermint patty; you look into his cool blue eyes and go, “Wow, this is refreshing,” then realize that you’ve been teleported to the top of the Himalayas in a t-shirt. Refreshment suddenly turns to terror as you realize that you’ve no experience with mountains, and the voice of reason begins shouting, “You idiot, you’re about to die because of a peppermint patty.” The voice becomes louder and louder as you slowly begin to succumb to the frosty clutches of the mountain, finally reaching a point where you’ve no choice but to give in entirely and embrace the oblivion that the delicious chocolate treat has condemned you to. Read more →

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