One Hour Impressions: Darklord Legends

There’s a dizzying amount of free apps out there. Since it’s more or less impossible to be sure of the quality of various apps anymore, I’m taking it upon myself to try out random free apps for an hour and report back. After all, all I ever hear about is how phones are going to replace modern gaming. Let’s see for ourselves. Today’s free app? Darklord Legends.

How did I find this app?

Simple. I was talking to someone about mermaids earlier so I initially looked for something like that, but when I searched for mermaids in the app store, all that showed up were a bunch of kid games. My thought process then went like this: “What’s like a mermaid? I need something mythical. I know! A succubus!” Believing that I had found a search topic that would help me avoid the kid-oriented stuff, I did an iOS app store search for “succubus” and downloaded the first result:

Darklord Legends

First impressions

The whole “sexy anime character” thing it’s aiming for is creepy right off the bat. Also, it wouldn’t let me use “Killa Penguin” as a screen name; apparently there’s already a Killa Penguin out there. Someday I’ll find and kill this individual because there can obviously be only one. Even worse, it wouldn’t let me go with my second choice, a name you’ll no doubt be familiar with if you’ve read part 2 of my Tales of Spam series:

Darklord Legends

Horrible. Just horrible. Not only is there already a Killa Penguin, but also a Brad Rockpenis? This is simply unacceptable. I’d have quit at this point if I hadn’t been forcing myself to spend an hour with this app.

It all went downhill from there

Pretty much the first thing you see is this:

Darklord Legends

“I’ve been waiting for you so long time.” Take a moment to truly soak in just how wrong that sentence is. Then, once you’ve fully appreciated that, think about the subtle implications of “tonight” and “companion” together in a sentence. Are you beginning to realize just how creepy this is about to become? I hope so, because at this point you’re a simple screen tap away from this:

Darklord Legends

What about the actual gameplay?

Gameplay? What’s that? Darklord Legends certainly doesn’t know. Of course, it promises a real adventure:

Darklord Legends

Would you like to see this so-called adventure? Of course you would. Brace yourself for the excitement.

Darklord Legends

This is it. This is pretty much the entire game; you tap “proceed quest” over and over and over until your stamina goes away. When that happens, you have the choice of either using an item to restore your stamina or waiting around for an hour or so for it to restore itself. Very Zynga-ish. Oh, and sometimes you get creepy anime girl cards for your collection between tapping the proceed button:

Darklord Legends

Yeah. If you get one you already have, then it levels up. It takes so much effort to keep clicking that button and winning! How do I know that I was winning, you ask? Stuff like this tipped me off:

Darklord Legends

This app makes me sad for the world

You know, easing new people into a game is one thing. Making something that plays itself (even battles play out automatically) is just pathetic. This isn’t a game. This is a fetish app for otakus and sex offenders.

Privacy? What’s privacy?

Darklord Legends
It’s apparently also a great way for creepy people to meet each other.

I’ve little doubt that adding people means that they get “fun” new items that require harassing others with constant messages. That’s typically how this kind of thing goes. By the way, I should probably mention that the game told me that it sent out friend requests on my behalf. As in, without me even asking or giving it permission. The annoying people in my inbox probably didn’t ask, either. Horrible.

If it isn’t a game, then what is it?

A money-making scam. Want new cards so that you have a leg up on everyone else? You have to pay for it, first:

Darklord Legends

This app is creepier than I can convey

Seriously. Just read the text in the below picture, and know that every card you get comes with equally creepy text:

Darklord Legends

See now why I said that this was only for otakus and sex offenders? It’s worth mentioning that this level of creepiness is present in every aspect of the game.

Why was it rated 4 and a half stars, though?

Bribery. Just take a look at these reviews and know that I didn’t cut any out:

Darklord Legends

Final thoughts

This app is trash. It didn’t take me an hour to realize it, but that hour certainly cemented that initial realization and backed it up with evidence. If stuff like this ever becomes what gaming is all about, that’ll be the day I shut this site down and rededicate my life to making developers’ lives a living nightmare.

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