Freemium trash: Fire Emblem Heroes Pt. 2

“But wait,” I imagine you thinking, “why would he continue to play an app he considers both trash and a cynical whoring out of his once-favorite series?” To be perfectly honest, I intended to stop playing, but then I caught the flu and spent a lot of time in bed. Besides, there are occasionally things being added, and I’ve figured a few things out since the last time I wrote about Heroes. None of that has changed my opinion of this thing that can only generously be considered a “game”—can we take a second to acknowledge how perfect it is that the acronym is FEH, as in “feh, I guess gaming in general just sucks now if this is considered good”—but I still thought it’d be interesting to cover, and it gives me an excuse to take some shots. Read more →

Freemium trash: Fire Emblem Heroes

Something like three years ago, I spent a little time delving into the waters of freemium apps in a small series I called “one hour impressions.” The series of experiences that followed filled me so much soul-crushing cynicism that I was able to write off the entire model as something best avoided, and yet my short impressions failed to truly capture just how predatory and disgusting such games can be. Then, a bit of serendipity: a new Fire Emblem game descended from the heavens onto mobile devices, dipping into the freemium model and deciding to show even less restraint when it comes to poor writing and fan service than even the Fates games employed. I’d seen it claimed that the game could be played without in-app purchases, which piqued my curiosity, so I dived into the game with an open mind to get a feel for just how far one can get without paying for anything. Now that I’ve finished (or at least come as close to finishing as one can get when the game itself is unfinished), though, I can’t pass up such a beautiful opportunity to highlight the many things wrong with both modern Fire Emblem and the freemium model. Rest assured that both are in ample supply here. Read more →

One Hour Impressions: Dawn of Magic

What follows is a review of the free app, “Dawn of Magic,” which is supposedly a throwback to older RPG games. Fair warning: this review isn’t going to be pretty. Read more →

One Hour Impressions: Hit Tennis 3

Okay, so the last free app I spent an hour with was probably one of the worst things I’ve ever allowed onto my phone. Still, there has to be an incredible free app out there. Given the sheer number of free apps available, finding one is inevitable. Rejuvenated by that (potentially stupid) hope, it’s time for another free app review. Today’s game? Hit Tennis 3. Read more →

One Hour Impressions: Darklord Legends

There’s a dizzying amount of free apps out there. Since it’s more or less impossible to be sure of the quality of various apps anymore, I’m taking it upon myself to try out random free apps for an hour and report back. After all, all I ever hear about is how phones are going to replace modern gaming. Let’s see for ourselves. Today’s free app? Darklord Legends. Read more →

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