Jay Cutler, the evil king of Chicago

This is the somewhat-fictionalized story of Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, a man I’ve never met, but hate with every fiber of my being.

Once upon a time, there was a mythical land known to its inhabitants as Colorado, and it was home to such whimsical beasts as bears and squirrels. This land had a king known only as “Elway,” the heroic king of the Broncos who abdicated his throne after slaying a mighty falcon and taking the ring it guarded for himself, but alas; to fill the seat of a king is a difficult task, indeed. The king’s knight, Brian of house Griese, was placed on the throne, but unrest among the citizenry grew as he failed to live up to the greatness that preceded him, and he was quickly removed from the throne. The same story played out again and again: Knights would come seeking fame and glory, only to be deposed in shame and disgrace.

Enter our valiant hero, Sir Jay of Cutlershire. Raised up to kingship, he suffered the same blows as those who came before him, but held on to his kinghood by threats, frequently screaming at his vassals for even the smallest of mistakes. The citizenry wept openly in the streets until a vast river of tears had formed, for in their haste to return to greatness they had elevated a cruel king who cared only for himself, but lo! Cruel deeds don’t go unpunished for long, and the gods who tolerate such cruelty often face the very judgment they delay. Soon Shanahan, the tribal god who the people worshiped and feared (for he possessed a frightening power to make running backs disappear), was forcibly removed by another god, a member of a separate pantheon that had accomplished great things. McDaniels was the name of this particular god, and though the people were at first unsure of him, he began to play tricks on the cruel king, forcing said king to flee into self-exile. This won the approval of the people for a time, but even the reign of McDaniels was cut short. However, the fall of McDaniels and the triumphant return of the king Elway is a tale for another time.

Our story continues in Chicago, the mythical city of wind where the exiled king fled. Chicago legends still speak of of 1985 A.D., when a ragtag band of knights successfully conquered the land and won the throne, though the authenticity of these legends is questionable and current scholars believe such a thing to be impossible. Cruel Jay of Cutlershire was quickly placed on the throne by Chicago natives who knew nothing of his demeanor and longed for a return to greatness, and Jay accepted their offer with a knowing smirk, fooling yet another realm. Alas, the natives soon learned their lesson, as the evil king saw fit to secure the happiness of other teams in equal proportion to his own, throwing the football equally to both while blaming his vassals and refusing to take responsibility for any of the ills that plagued the kingdom under his negligence. His widespread abuses continue even today.

Show pity to poor Chicago, that broken orphan of Football America, that shattered widow of completed passes, and be mindful to never speak the name of the cruel king except in utter contempt. In this way we may one day alleviate this wrong and finally see justice done.

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