Gun violence is one of those American ills that everyone is aware of, but that no one has any idea how to fix. Maybe we’re just too stupid to solve the problem, but a large part of the issue has to do with our right to bear arms and the fact that we’d more or less be acting against it by banning guns. Meanwhile, the whole issue has become so partisan that neither side of the argument makes any sense anymore. Really, it’s simpler than most would let on—the whole crazy thing comes down to whether guns kill people or people kill people. The answer? Neither guns nor people kill people. Fingers kill people. It’s this line of thinking that has allowed me to come up with a radical solution to this all-too-prevalent problem.
First, I want to say that I love fingers. I really do. They’re incredibly versatile; with what other part of your body could you, without words, communicate “peace,” “shove it,” and “party hard”? Fingers are simply a magical part of the human body, but radical times call for radical measures, and if we can’t make a decision on guns, then I propose a mandatory ban on fingers.
Of course, we cherish our fingers and would hate to see them go. Think of all the problems that would instantly be solved, though:
– Alcoholics and drug users, suddenly unable to grip their drinks and needles, would be wholly cured of their addictions.
– Unable to play rock/paper/scissor to determine who picks up the check and too fingerless to use a calculator to determine the tip, math would suddenly become an important component of everyday life, furthering the intelligence of our collective society and ushering in a golden age of mathematical understanding.
– Politicians would be unable to lean back on hand gestures while speaking, which would force them to begin saying things of actual worth.
– High fives, instantly turning into awkward stub smacks, would become so dumb that people stop using them altogether.
Best of all, without fingers we’ll all be able to own guns without having to worry about those guns being used for violence. Now, I understand that convincing people to voluntarily agree to finger amputation might be a tough sell, but think about the children for a moment. What kind of world do you want to leave behind for them? Do you want to leave a world plagued by gun violence, a world where we were proven so incompetent that we couldn’t even find a solution to idiots shooting up public places, or would you prefer to leave behind a safer (violence of the finger amputation aside) world where all live in harmony? Yeah, I bet your fingers are looking like quite the burden right now.
Truth be told, they really are a burden. Just think about all the bad things you can do with your fingers. Lewd hand gestures, meeting loose women over the internet, wasting time on Facebook, pressing self-destruct buttons, calling ex-girlfriends/boyfriends drunk, and even Darth Vader’s throat choke. All are dependent on fingers, so removing fingers from the equation equals a better, safer, kinder world. What would we even be losing? Jazz hands? Spirit fingers? Pfft. I think it’s obvious what needs to be done.
Is the idea of mandatory fingerlessness truly so horrible in the face of all of the problems we face? After awhile to adjust to our stubs, it wouldn’t even be that big of a deal. This is clearly the only solution to the complex problems that plague our world today, which is why I beg of you:
Support finger amputation for the good of America and the world at large.