Monsters Ate My Birthday Cake Review (slash ragequit)

Let me be perfectly honest right now: this is more of a public service announcement than an actual review, as I gave up on this pathetic excuse of a game before I had even reached the third world. It’s tedious, its controls are as imprecise as a drunk driver, and the cutesy dialogue and aesthetic clashes with the fact that no child on earth would enjoy playing this game unless they had literally nothing better to do. I almost always make notes while playing so that I have access to in-the-moment impressions of certain sections, and my note right before I ragequit mentioned that I’d rather scoop out my eyes with a melon baller than play a minute more of this agonizing dreck. I stand by that statement.

This app costs five dollars

This is important to keep in mind as I go over all of the many ways the game failed to provide any entertainment value whatsoever in the couple hours I spent with it. To put its price tag into perspective, you could pick up Hitman Go, 80 Days, Terraria, or either of the Tales of Illyria games for the same price. You can also pick up MechaNika, The Last Express, or any number of other similarly superior games for an even lower price. There’s absolutely no excuse for the inflated price tag.

The PC version, meanwhile, costs 15 dollars. Why the price jump on that platform? I suppose this is hardly the only game to gouge PC users like this, but a price tag that’s three times as much as the already-overpriced Android/iOS versions is just ridiculous given the nearly endless number of better games for the PC that can be purchased for much, much less than 15 dollars.

This game’s abysmal controls make even the simplest of puzzles an infuriating chore.

It flat-out refuses to sense your touches sometimes

You can see this in action in the above clip at 3:24; I set up my device to show taps, so you can clearly see me swiping to move and the game deciding to ignore my input altogether, putting the character I was controlling in danger. This isn’t a rare occurrence by any means, and it’s something I noticed using both control schemes, even when I wasn’t recording (and I’m using a Galaxy S5, which is more than powerful enough to run the crap out of this pathetic little app).

Even when it does, it’s like controlling a tank with a complex pulley system

This game has two control schemes, both of which I use in the video above. The first is the default “draw a line to your destination and watch as the character slowly shuffles into place, making it impossible to precisely time your movement or effectively dodge enemies when this becomes necessary in later levels” control scheme. Sure, that’s a mouthful, but I assure you that it’s 100% accurate.

The second is akin to the control scheme in Chaos Rings, where you press your finger to the screen and that becomes the reference point for your movement. Move up from where you first touched and you move up. Move left and you move left. Problem is, you can’t actually see this joystick like in CR, so you’re inevitably bumping into things right and left. On the bright side, this control scheme allows you to use your characters’ special abilities (such as a screech that destroys ice, or the main character’s ability to move blocks—these factor into puzzles, naturally) by pressing a button on the screen rather than the awkward double-tap necessitated by the default control scheme, allowing you to avoid problems like I face in the video at 1:45 where the character refuses to do what I want.

Elevator music and a ripped off art style

The music in this game is terrible. Again, see the video for an example of this. It’s just ear-splittingly terrible. The graphics are a bit more interesting of a story, because while the clean art style is pretty much the only positive the game has going for it, there are allegations of it being ripped off from another game without giving due credit, something that seems to have at least some basis in fact given the similarities between the two overworld maps.

Monsters Ate My Birthday Cake

Monsters Ate My Birthday Cake Screenshots

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