Infinity Blade Review

Older games had a fairly straightforward approach to progression: You fought monsters until your level and abilities went up a bit, then you progressed with the story. Infinity Blade has done away with that silly story aspect and given us nothing but the grind. No reward, no actual story, just fighting random monsters so that you’re strong enough to fight other random monsters. Seriously, all this game consists of is endless grinding. I bought this back when it was full price because thousands of people were giving it five stars out of five, and I was under the impression that such a large group of people couldn’t possibly be wrong. Turns out that thousands of people have absolutely no taste.

Or maybe they’re just assholes, because this game sucks harder than a nymphomaniac who doesn’t know how to be gentle. After buying it, the game begs you to give it a five star review, and then it has the audacity to whore the book and next game. See, I bought this a long time ago, but I was so angry that I had paid full price for something so soul-shatteringly mediocre and pointless that I deleted it, only reinstalling after the sequel released and I read about the overall plot on its wiki. “Surely some of this has to be explained in the first game,” I told myself. “They wouldn’t just tack this stuff on in the book and second game, rendering the first game virtually meaningless and forcing you to buy additional products just to have the slightest clue of what the hell is happening.”

But that’s exactly the case. The first game starts with promise; a warrior goes up against the “God King,” only to fall and start a cycle where that warrior’s bloodline seeks vengeance. Of course, that’s an oversimplification that later turns out to be wrong, but you won’t learn that in this game. No, you need the book and second game for that. Gone are the days when developers included an entire story for the purchase price—now you pay for tiny shreds of the story, in the end paying several times what games are actually worth just so you can justify your first purchase and actually get closure. Emphasis on “in the end,” because that’s what you’ll be paying out of in return for this closure. Now, if you grind and beat the God King, guess what happens? Nothing. He gets stronger, and the next “bloodline” starts. There’s no point to any of it, and I refuse to pay more money because the game developers were too incompetent to write/include an actual story. No, they can shove this game up their ass.

“When no one is around I put on heels and call myself Jenny.”

All of that might be forgivable if the mechanics worked well, but they don’t. I can’t even count the number of times I ended up accidentally dodging because my finger slightly brushed the dodge button when I was swiping my finger across the screen, costing me time I could have used to attack. Another problem I ran into constantly is that the iPhone is simply too small for this game, so unless you’re playing on an iPad, several swipes won’t register correctly, either failing to go the right direction and getting you hit rather than parrying an enemy’s blow with your sword or simply stopping your character’s movement, refusing to register anything. It’s absolutely pathetic.

I’ve never longed so badly for a “suck a dick and die” button.

Graphics are the only good aspect of the game. There are lens flares, several different kinds of enemies who attack in different ways, and a number of different items, all of which affect both what your character looks like and bonuses your character may have. Graphics aren’t enough to save a game that’s otherwise a complete waste of time and money, though.

Here’s what you should do:

Screenshots of this waste of money: Page 1

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Screenshots of this waste of money: Page 2

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