Carnage Racing Screenshots

I’ve been posting a lot of new stuff lately. I mean, I recently put out five reviews in the span of 16 days, but it’s not that I’m playing them that fast or anything—I’ve just been really bad about posting things in a timely manner, leading to a giant backlog of “to be posted at some point” stuff. Then, my “to post” folder becomes so large that I begin to panic and think irrationally, eventually deciding to post as much of it as fast as I can. Naturally, this leads to stupid mistakes like typos and broken images that I have to fix later on when I’m in a more reasonable state of mind. Point is, procrastination can work and anyone who says otherwise is lying to you.

Oh, and Carnage Racing is better than I expected a game originating on mobile devices (microtransactions and all) to be. Probably should have led with that. Read more →

The Dark Eye: Chains of Satinav Review

Every so often, I’ll play a game that makes me fall in love with an entire genre. Baldur’s Gate 2 opened my eyes to old-school cRPGs, early Fire Emblem games opened my eyes to tactical strategy titles, and The Longest Journey showed me just how entertaining adventure games are capable of being. Then there’s The Dark Eye: Chains of Satinav, an adventure game that does the exact opposite by showing me just how awful adventure games are capable of being. It’s a painful slog through atrocious dialogue, awful storytelling, loathsome characters, and counter-intuitive puzzle design, and while I regret the time and money I spent on the game, I can’t help but appreciate it for showing me just how many elements a game in the genre can get completely wrong. Read more →

The Dark Eye: Chains of Satinav Screenshots

I haven’t played many adventure games thanks to my incredibly late introduction to the genre, but I’ve certainly played enough good games to know a bad one when I see it. Moebius? Interesting and kind of fun at times, but definitely a less than adequate adventure game. Gray Matter? A bit flawed, but surprisingly interesting and engrossing nonetheless. While I may not have a vast array of adventure games to draw on for reference, Chains of Satinav is definitely the worst adventure game I’ve ever played. That’s not to say that it doesn’t have redeeming aspects, but they’re so few and far between that this game isn’t worth anyone’s time. Read more →

Oni Review

I always make a point to mention when I quit a game before the end, and Oni is one of those rare games that I’ve quit. Given how many unbearable games I’ve fought my way to the end of, that should speak volumes about the entertainment value of Oni. First, some back story: I kept hearing about how awesome and amazing and underrated this game is, so I went through the trouble of tracking it down. Thing is, it really isn’t any of those things. Even calling it a mediocre action game is doing a major disservice to mediocre action games because Oni fails across the board to deliver anything resembling entertainment value. Read more →

Big Action Mega Fight Review

Side-scrolling brawlers have never really been my cup of tea. Sure, I have fond memories of playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist on the Sega Genesis with my little brother, getting into stupid little arguments that escalated until one or both of us threw our controllers across the room and quit, but I never found another game that was able to lure me back into the genre. Why did I pick up an Android side-scrolling brawler, then, you ask? I don’t know why I buy 90% of the stuff I do, to be perfectly honest. Besides, Big Action Mega Fight looked awesome, and I longed to recapture the magic of a time when mullet-sporting mustachioed individuals were looked upon as the epitome of heroism. Read more →

Valiant Hearts: The Great War Review

Games using Ubisoft’s UbiArt Framework are almost immediately recognizable because they resemble a moving 2D painting or drawing. Child of Light, for example, had a watercolor kind of aesthetic that was really pleasing. Valiant Hearts, on the other hand, has more of a “hand-drawn” look to it, and this ultimately proves to be its downfall. This is a game where the aesthetic and the message are so completely at odds that the game doesn’t seem to have any idea of what it wants to accomplish, so all you’re left with are a few adventure game sequences that spiral into unenjoyable minigames. It’s a shame, too, because this is one of the few games willing to venture into the nitty-gritty of World War 1. Read more →

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